I have a TV that basically looks like this thing.

I hate television. It’s old and it doesn’t smell as good as it used to. Plus the internet does all the things that television does, except for it sadly doesn’t have any commercials. I miss those things.

However, I still need to own a TV. This is because of a little blessing/curse that I like to call ‘video games.’ (I hope that term catches on!) That’s why almost exactly one year ago, I marched down to my local Best Buy and purchased a Philips 27″ Flat Screen TV.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You are saying in your brain, “Jason. Why did you not purchase an LCD?” Well, I will tell you.

I am poor. Well, not that poor, but I am also not rich. And we have yet to create a word in the english language that describes people that are neither poor nor rich in one syllable. Therefore I have to pick one or the other.

Compared to the rest of the world, I am very rich. I will prove it to you. I have:

• A/C
• Electric Lighting
• Plumbing
• TV
• Computer
• Internet
• Car
• A/C
• MP3 Player (A.K.A. Instant Music)
• A/C
• A can of shoe polish

The rest of the world does not have these things. I should know. I asked them. That is how I know that I’m rich in comparison to the rest of the world. However.

I am poor in comparison to a lot of Americans. This is because I do not have:

• A house
• A ‘nice car’ (meaning any car made after 1993 with functional A/C)
• 2 or more ‘nice cars’
• 2 or more TV’s
• 2 or more MP3 players
• 2 or more cans of shoe polish

As you can see, I am neither ‘rich’ nor ‘poor’. And yet I am both ‘rich’ and ‘poor’. I am forced to choose. I have decided to choose ‘poor’ so that I may play the sympathy card. You are feeling sorry for me already. I can taste it. It is very salty.

That is why I was forced to purchase mediocre technology. But it’s not bad technology either. We have no term in the english language to describe the area in between mediocre and bad. Therefore, I am forced to choose. Never mind. I think I’m going to just quit while I’m ahead. Good night.

I got on a long tangent about nothing, and forgot what I was actually going to say about the product. How silly of me. Please forgive me. That was not a request.

Are you familiar with the various defects a TV can have? There are so many! As a person who used to walk in the electronics department of a prominent retailer, I can say with much confidence that I have seen many TV’s decay right in front of my eyes!

Sometimes the power supply goes bad, and it won’t turn on. Sometimes the switch goes bad, and it won’t turn on. If it’s a plasma, you can start to lose individual pixels. Or on some older plasmas, you could have an image burnt into your screen permanently.

The most sad defect, however, is when a TV randomly starts picking up discolored spots. This is what happened to my TV. Two weeks after I bought it.

Oh, great, I know what you are thinking now… “Jason, why did you not simply return this TV? You could have exchanged it for a nice, new, non-defective one. Or you could even have received a full refund.”

Haven’t you ever heard of laziness, you critical human being? Stop lecturing me in my head with Mr. Roger’s voice. As I just showed two sentences earlier, there’s a reason for everything I do. Or don’t do.

Anyways, if that’s what you’re thinking, then you’re right. I’m not complaining against Philips. They’re a great brand in my opinion, and there’s a reason I bought one of their TV’s.

Actually, I’m not complaining at all. In fact, I just realized that I could look at the positive side of this whole situation.

I happen to be the only person I know who has a TV that can make Johnny Depp look like a smurf, or make Ingrid Bergman look like she has cirrhosis. Beat that.

Is there such a thing as too much music?

Think about it. When have people had access to music whenever they feel like it at any other time in history than now? It used to be that if you wanted to hear a new song, you’d have to be, like, a king or something. And then you’d call Mozart into the room and be like, “Dude, write me a song!” And then Mozart would be like, “Okah!” And then you’d have to wait like 12 years and then he’d come back to you waving a piece of paper and be like, “I’ve got it right here, Kingie!” And since you would’ve forgotten who he was, of course you would immediately order that he be executed. Then you would eat lunch!

Now you know why people in the past were so crabby. Today, however, we have music whenever we feel like it. Which may or may not have made us more cheerful.

That’s because some music is very, very good. But, unfortunately, some music is Madonna. Or Billy Ray Cyrus. Or Fergie.

On the one hand, if you were a king in the past, you would never get to hear your favorite bands. But on the other hand, you also wouldn’t have to worry about your ears spontaneously bleeding from listening to any of the aforementioned ‘artists’.

I, on the third hand, have solved all such problems altogether. I achieved this through the purchase of some Bose ‘on-ear’ headphones.

These things have a relatively high price tag for a pair of headphones. I think I paid like $140 for them. But it was worth it. No question about it.

To illustrate, imagine both of your ears turned into mouths. Now imagine that someone is pouring liquid chocolate from Willy Wonka’s river into both of your newly acquired mouths. That is what it feels like to listen to music through these headphones.

The best part is, they’re mostly noise-canceling. It’s so great. I haven’t haemorrhaged out of my ears in like, months.

Mmmmmmmmmh.

Have you ever taken, like, 4-5 dryer sheets and just rubbed them all over your body?

If you have, then stop it. You are a creep.

Don’t misconstrue what I’m about to say. I absolutely love Snuggle. I absolutely love dryer sheets.

But, I don’t understand advertising. If you take a look at the side of a box of Snuggle, the ingredients show that the dryer sheets consist of three things:

• Fabric
• Fabric Softeners
• Perfume

Makes sense. It seems like exactly what you would need to make your clothes softer and better smelling, right? Right.

Now, take a look at the cover of the box. If you do not have a box at arm’s reach like I always do, then you can simply examine the illustration provided above. According to the artwork on the front of the box, these ingredients are required to make your clothes softer and bettter smelling:

• A living teddy bear
• Clouds
• Two floating, glowing balls of lettuce

You see what I mean? It makes no sense when you think about it.

Jeepers, man. We are all so impressionable.

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I have used it 4 times today. Thank you for asking.

No, my name is not Monk. No thank you for asking, you jerk.

Anyways, the reason I pointed out this soap is because today I want to call into question how ethical it is to make this soap.

How ethical is it to make this soap? Not very. Know why? Because this soap is an unethical form of training, similar to teaching toddlers karate. Why do I say this?

Imagine that you are a part of a huge family. Then, one day, a bad bad man introduces a poisonous substance into your home, killing 99.9% of your family. You barely escape with your life. In fact, the only reason you escaped was because you were the only one who built up a resistance to this poison over time. Sure, you’ve grown stronger, but at what cost? You’ve lost your family. An absolute travesty. I mean tragedy.

I understand that scientists and soap makers nowadays want to do their part in making germs stronger. I’m all for that. But why can’t we use a method that’s slightly less cruel? We could build little germ gymnasiums or something.

The fact that people make this hellish exercise program for germs is bad enough. But what shocks and dismays me more is PETA’s silence on the matter.

What’s the matter, PETA? Are germs not good enough for you? Are they too small to be noticed by you?

That’s why I’ve decided to start a civil right’s movement among the animal world. Bacteria have been discriminated against for far too long. Actually, I’m too busy to start the movement myself. I think I’ll have to delegate it to someone else.

Any volunteers?

I own this. I bought one a few months after it came out. I was sick of The Man (Apple) dominating the mp3 player industry, so as soon as I found out The Other Man (Microsoft) was coming out with their own mp3 player I came as quick as I could to support them. They did not disappoint. Mostly.

At the time that I bought this, the iPod seemed like the only conceivable mp3 purchase for the mainstream music lover. However, when the Zune came out, there were four main features it had that the iPod did not. These are probably the three biggest reasons for why I bought it:

1) A radio. Pretty cool. Radio’s half-dead, but it’s nice to have it on there. You can use a radio on an iPod as well, but you have to buy a peripheral. Bleah.

2) Wireless sharing. You can share your music from Zune to Zune. Very cool. Finally I can attempt to impose my music tastes on anyone whose wireless waves come into contact with my own! Hooray. Just kidding. Kind of.

3) No iTunes. Probably the biggest reason I bought the Zune. iTunes is crap. It’s expensive, and it’s crap. You can use other music services with the iPod, but it’s designed to be used with iTunes. That’s why I was grateful for some good old Windows friendly apps. Now I can download wherever I want, and that means not on iTunes.

4) A bigger screen. Hey, it’s cool. You can actually see your movies. I’m pretty sure the iPod touch has a screen that’s just as big, or bigger, but it’s about $150 more expensive.

There are two major downsides to the Zune that I can think of. One I knew about when I bought it, the other I found out about after I bought it.

The first is that it’s kind of bulky compared to the iPod. I already knew that, but didn’t care. The bigger screen size makes it worth it.

The second, which is slightly more irritating, is the Zune software. I still like it better than iTunes. I think it’s just mp3 software that’s annoying, period. It’s a great media player for my music. It’s just that syncing can be a pain in the buttocks. My advice to you is get it right the first time. Or you will pay in time and blood and tears. That is all.

In my opinion, the pros definitely outweighed the cons, and still do. I still think it’s a better purchase than the iPod. However, since it does have a couple annoying things, I’d give it about an 8.5/10. Slightly better than 4 stars. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone looking for an alternative to the iPod.

I like music. I probably like it too much. That’s why my Zune is jam-packed with happiness that I can measure in gigabytes.

If you would like to buy a 30GB Zune for $50 less than I bought it for (a year and a half ago), click here.

If you would like to buy an 80GB Zune for $100 more than I bought a 30GB Zune (a year and a half ago), click here.

If you would like to buy a much more compact 8GB Zune, click here.

If you’re tired of all this Zune crap and want to go to the dark side, click here.